IF YOU’RE HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS,
Let me tell you about the first time I had suicidal thoughts, I was 16 or 17. I was just leaving secondary school. That was the first time I truly experienced loneliness. I had friends and family around. But that was when my loneliness began. I felt like I was supposed to be lonely because God gave me a twin sister to keep me company and she died before I could even know her and I might as well die because no one else can fill whatever void she might have left. I’ve come to realise that I had no real connection with Ruth and so, there was and is no void. She died before we turned 3 so if there’s anyone who should feel any void she left, it shouldn’t be me. Because I didn’t know her. So this fight between loneliness and I, it’s not because of her.
Anyway, I told my friends that I wanted to kill myself. I don’t remember what they all said except two people. One of them called me on the phone and said something along the lines of “don’t scare me like that again. I love you and there’s a lot of life ahead of you. Don’t kill yourself”. Another one didn’t say anything till the next morning. She said something along the lines of “What’s making you depressed? So many people have it worse than you do so why would you come and scare everyone with death threats that you know you wouldn’t go ahead with”. I’m saying “along the lines of-” because I don’t remember their exact words but I remember what they said. I never told them the reason for me wanting to kill myself that night.
Sometimes, I get thoughts of physical self harm but I can’t seem to do it because I don’t like seeing marks on my body. So instead, I cry and cry till my head hurts and I feel sick. Whenever I have suicidal thoughts, I’d remember that my mum has already lost one of her twins. Losing the other one will cause her so much pain that I can’t even imagine and like many children, my mum’s happiness means the world to me. I wouldn’t do that to her.
A few hours ago, I wouldn’t say I was happy, but I was okay. I wasn’t sad. And then all of a sudden, my chest became heavy and all I could think about was suicide. This time around, it wasn’t about killing myself. I wanted to know the thought process of people who attempted suicide and failed. Do they appreciate life better than me who hasn’t attempted it? Or are they filled with regret that they failed? Or do they think they’re stupid for even attempting it in the first place? Do they joke about it as a way to cope with the guilt? Do they even feel any guilt? I went ahead and read stories of survivors. I won’t lie, I didn’t get my answers. The bottom line of many of the testimonials is that life gets better. I don’t know if that’s true. One thing I got from reading these stories is: suicide can be planned and successful but most of the time, the ones that actually succeed are the ones that are done impulsively. If you wait that moment out, you won’t do it.
When people tell that they want to kill themselves, there’s a part of them that’s stalling. That part of them is looking for a reason not to. And when people don’t speak up about it, they know that they’ll see a reason to live if they speak up. And they don’t want to see any reason.
Even if there’s no concrete reason for wanting to kill yourself, and a lot of people have it worse than you, don’t feel bad for wanting to take your life. It’s yours. Do as you wish. But do you know what happens after you die? Do you cease to exist? Do you start living somewhere else? Do you get reincarnated to something or someone else? If you do get another life, how do you know it’s not worse than this one? There’s also a chance that it might be better. There’s also a chance that you might totally cease to exist and this is what almost everyone who commits suicide wants. I guess we’ll all find out one day.
The one thing I hate the most is uncertainty. And I know that we’ll all die before we know what happens after death (or not, if we cease to exist), but I’m not in a rush to jump into uncertainty. No matter how hard it is, I’m going to gladly wait this one out. So if you want to kill yourself and tell someone, I hope that every time you try, you find the reason that will keep you. But if you don’t want any reason, my only hope for you is that it all ends. No after life, no paradise, no reincarnation, nothing. I hope you get the nothing you’re looking for.
